Why The Five Stages of Grief Are Not as Linear as You Think
If you've experienced loss, you've probably heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Maybe you've even wondered where you are in the process or worried that you're somehow grieving incorrectly because your experience doesn't match this neat progression.
Here's what most people don't know: Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who introduced these stages in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying," never intended them to be a rigid roadmap that everyone follows in order. She was describing common experiences she observed in terminally ill patients facing their own deaths, not bereaved people mourning the loss of loved ones.
Yet somehow, these five stages became the cultural shorthand for how grief "should" work. And in the process, they've created unrealistic expectations that can make grieving people feel like they're doing it wrong when their experience is messy, non-linear, or doesn't fit the model at all.
The truth is that grief is far more complex, personal, and unpredictable than any five-stage model can capture.
What the Five Stages Actually Represent
Let's start by understanding what each stage describes and why they resonated with so many people:
Denial
Denial is the initial shock and disbelief that often accompanies loss. "This can't be happening" or "This isn't real" are common thoughts. Denial serves as a temporary buffer, giving your mind time to absorb devastating news without being completely overwhelmed.
Anger
Anger emerges as reality sets in. You might feel furious at the person who died for leaving you, at doctors for not saving them, at God or the universe for allowing it to happen, or at other people who still have what you've lost. Anger is often easier to feel than the vulnerability of sadness.
Bargaining
Bargaining involves the "what if" and "if only" thoughts. "If only I'd insisted they see a doctor sooner," or "What if I'd said yes to that last phone call?" This stage represents an attempt to negotiate with reality or a higher power to undo the loss.
Depression
Depression reflects the deep sadness and emptiness that settles in as you truly comprehend the loss. This isn't clinical depression (though it can coexist with it), but rather the appropriate emotional response to losing someone or something significant.
Acceptance
Acceptance doesn't mean you're okay with the loss or that you've stopped grieving. Instead, it means you've integrated the reality of the loss into your life and found ways to move forward while carrying your grief.
These stages offer language for common grief experiences, which is why they've endured. The problem arises when they're treated as mandatory checkboxes or a linear timeline rather than potential experiences that might occur in any order, multiple times, or not at all.
Why Grief Looks Nothing Like a Straight Line
Grief is not a journey with a clear beginning, middle, and end. It's more like waves in an ocean that come and go with varying intensity. Some days you might feel accepting and at peace, only to wake up the next morning engulfed in anger or denial. This isn't backsliding or doing grief wrong; this is exactly how grief works.
You can experience multiple stages simultaneously. It's entirely possible to feel angry, sad, and in denial all at once. Emotions don't wait politely in line for their turn.
You might skip stages entirely. Not everyone experiences anger. Some people don't bargain. There's no stage that's required for "proper" grieving or for eventual healing.
Stages can repeat. You might think you've reached acceptance, then encounter a trigger (a song, a smell, an anniversary) that plunges you back into acute sadness or anger. This doesn't mean you've lost your progress.
The intensity varies wildly. Some days grief is a tsunami that knocks you off your feet. Other days it's background noise. Neither is more "correct" than the other.
Different losses bring different grief. Losing a parent after a long illness feels different from losing a child suddenly. Grieving a relationship that ended feels different from grieving someone who died. The five stages don't account for these significant differences.
What Grief Actually Looks Like for Most People
Instead of stages, think of grief as a collection of experiences and responses that come and go throughout the grieving process. Here's what many grieving people actually encounter:
Physical symptoms like exhaustion, changes in appetite, difficulty sleeping, or physical pain. Your body carries grief too. Some people describe feeling physically heavy or like they're moving through water.
Cognitive impacts such as difficulty concentrating, memory problems, or intrusive thoughts about the person or circumstances of the loss. You might find yourself replaying moments or searching for the person in crowds.
Behavioral changes including withdrawing from social situations, losing interest in activities you once enjoyed, or conversely, throwing yourself into work or busyness to avoid feeling the grief.
Identity shifts as you figure out who you are without this person or in this new reality. Losing a spouse might mean redefining yourself beyond being someone's partner. Losing a job might shake your sense of professional identity.
Continuing bonds rather than "letting go." Modern grief research shows that healthy grieving often involves maintaining a changed but continuing relationship with what you've lost, rather than completely severing the connection.
Waves of grief that Lois Tonkin describes as grief remaining constant in size while your life grows around it. Early on, grief fills everything. Over time, life expands to include work, relationships, joy, and meaning alongside the grief, which never truly disappears but becomes a smaller part of a fuller life.
The Dangers of the Stage Model Myth
When people believe grief should follow a predictable path, several harmful things can happen:
Self-judgment creeps in when your experience doesn't match expectations. "Why am I still angry?" or "Shouldn't I be over this by now?" These questions add unnecessary suffering to an already painful experience.
Others' impatience with your grief becomes more pronounced when they think there's a timeline. Well-meaning people might suggest you're "stuck" in a stage or need to "move on to acceptance," not understanding that grief doesn't work this way.
Complicated grief might go unrecognized. When people expect grief to resolve within a certain timeframe, they might miss signs that someone is struggling with complicated grief that needs professional support.
Cultural differences get ignored. Different cultures have varying beliefs about death, mourning practices, and the appropriate timeline for grief. The five-stage model doesn't account for this diversity.
Unique circumstances feel invalidated. Disenfranchised grief (loss that society doesn't recognize as legitimate, like losing a pet, a miscarriage, or an estranged parent) already lacks social support. Adding the expectation that it should follow a specific pattern makes it worse.
What Actually Helps When You're Grieving
Instead of worrying about what stage you're in, focus on what you need in this moment. Helpful grief support involves:
1. Acknowledging That Your Grief Is Unique
No one else loved this person exactly the way you did or had your specific relationship with them. Your grief will be different from everyone else's, and that's not just okay, it's inevitable.
2. Giving Yourself Permission To Feel Whatever Arises
Sadness, anger, relief, guilt, numbness, and even moments of happiness, all of these are normal grief responses. You don't have to justify or explain your feelings.
3. Finding Ways To Honor Your Continuing Bond
This might mean creating rituals, keeping meaningful objects, talking to the person, or finding ways to carry their values forward in your life.
4. Accepting That Grief Changes But Doesn't End
You won't "get over" significant losses, but the acute pain does typically soften over time. You learn to carry the grief while also rebuilding capacity for joy, meaning, and connection.
5. Recognizing When You Need Professional Help
Some grief is so overwhelming or persistent that it interferes with your ability to function. Grief therapy provides tools and support for navigating especially difficult losses.
When Grief Needs Professional Support
While grief is a normal response to loss, sometimes it becomes complicated in ways that benefit from professional intervention. Consider reaching out for support if:
Your grief remains as intense as it was immediately after the loss, even after many months have passed
You're having persistent thoughts of wanting to die or join the person who died
You're unable to accept the reality of the loss or find yourself in prolonged denial
You've isolated yourself completely and lost all interest in activities and relationships
You're using substances to numb the pain
Your daily functioning is significantly impaired and not improving over time
You're experiencing trauma symptoms related to how the loss occurred
Therapy for grief doesn't mean you're weak or grieving incorrectly. It means you're getting support for an exceptionally difficult human experience. A skilled therapist can help you process your loss, navigate complicated emotions, and find ways to move forward while honoring what you've lost.
At Alba Wellness Group, we understand that grief doesn't follow a script. Our therapists provide compassionate, individualized support that honors your unique experience of loss and helps you find your own path through grief.
Moving Forward with Grief
The goal of grieving isn't to reach some final stage and be done. It's to integrate your loss into your life in a way that allows you to remember with love rather than only with pain, to carry your grief while also rebuilding capacity for meaning and connection.
This doesn't happen according to anyone else's timeline or checklist. It happens gradually, in fits and starts, with setbacks and breakthroughs, on a path that only you can walk.
Be gentle with yourself. Your grief is a reflection of your love, and there's no wrong way to love someone or something you've lost. If you need support on this journey, we're here. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and find the compassionate guidance you deserve.
At Alba Wellness Group, we believe everyone deserves a space where they can heal, grow, and truly belong. If you're ready to take the next step in your journey, we're here to walk alongside you; contact us today for your free consultation.